My Sole Good

Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into my heart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee, my sole good! What art Thou to me? In Thy pity, teach me to utter it. Or what am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and, if I give it not, art wroth with me, and threatenest me with grievous woes? Is it then a slight woe to love Thee not? Oh! for Thy mercies' sake, tell me, O Lord my God, what Thou art unto me. Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. So speak, that I may hear. Behold, Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou the ears thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. After this voice let me haste, and take hold on Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. Let me die- lest I die- only let me see Thy face.
Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? or to whom should I cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from my secret faults, and spare Thy servant from the power of the enemy. I believe, and therefore do I speak. Lord, Thou knowest. Have I not confessed against myself my transgressions unto Thee, and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the iniquity of my heart? I contend not in judgment with Thee, who art the truth; I fear to deceive myself; lest mine iniquity lie unto itself. Therefore I contend not in judgment with Thee; for if Thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall abide it? -- St. Augustine, "The Confessions of St. Augustine"

I'm not an expert on Augustine. I know a little about the man, but I haven't read his works. I got curious and started reading some of his confessions. This quote leaped out at me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that he articulated the problem before us and God to a tee.
It seems paradoxical, the fact that God commands the impossible act for us to love Him when we're incapable of loving. I mean incapable to the fullest extent. Not able, not willing, and not inclined. I do not want to love God in and of myself. I hated Him. I was His enemy. I wanted nothing to do with Him and therefore, by default, I wanted to go to hell. Yet I, like everyone else in the world, was commanded to love Him. But what are we to God for Him to desire us to love Him? What am I to a holy and just Creator? Augustine asked God for the only answer. Inebriate my heart. Fill my heart with God's love and salvation. Make it drunk for Him. I like that phrase. I want my heart to be drunk on God's Holy Spirit and not on wine. He calls God his "sole" good. He's the only good in this world and the only thing good for our souls.

But the problem continues after God changes our hearts. Our hearts are still small and like a ruin. My heart is not fit for the King of Glory to enter it. So Augustine asks of Him to repair it and enlarge it that God may enter. God comes in and cleanses our hearts so that He can give us the ability to love Him. He forgives and doesn't hold our iniquity against us. He frees us and chooses to love us despite our hatred of Him. When Joseph's brothers cast him into the well with the intent of murder, God had already planned their actions. He used this act so that He could save the murderers. That is the epitome of mercy. I'm going to use this sin to save the sinners. I can't fathom that kind of grace. I can't get my head around the scope and scale of that kind of mercy. Because if God didn't show that kind of mercy and grace to sinners, then who indeed could stand?